i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Randomize
