I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
