Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
