You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
