Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
