Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
