Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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