so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Randomize
