also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
