hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
