I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
