When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
