Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
