i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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