Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
