He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
You dont lie about slip and slides
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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