Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
