hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
