I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize