I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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