Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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