I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
