i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
