The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
