you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
