you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
