Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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