White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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