His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize