Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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