Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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