This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
