I am spending my child support on dildos
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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