drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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