Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I need to stop coming to work sober
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
