Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
