Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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