I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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