Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
