so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize