I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize