never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
