I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
