i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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