Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
