Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
