dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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