loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
