I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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