I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
