Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
