Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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