I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
