tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
