We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Green mimosas i think yes
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
