pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
