we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
