Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
My ass is underappreciated
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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