I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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