the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize