I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Let's get the cat blown out
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
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