So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Randomize
