i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
