I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
