Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
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