It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
