The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
