No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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