he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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