I want to have your abortion
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
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