Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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