Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
