3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
