I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize