I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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